I've been getting flak from male readers that I'm too female-centric. They say I'm always writing about women's stuff—work/life balance, the glass ceiling, peep-toe shoes, etc. I plead guilty. One reason for my myopia is that I'm female; the other is that I assume men have it made. I mean, aren't they the ones in control?
Well, it turns out that male power is quickly eroding—and they are doing it to themselves—beginning with the way they dress. According to the Unwashed Advocate, a blog by a West Point grad and a former military lawyer, men are in mortal danger of becoming sissies:
To all men out there who bemoan the notion that women do not have (enough) respect for men and what it is to be a man, let me share something with you. The reason they don’t respect you is because you don’t act like a man. You don’t dress like a man. In fact, you’ve eschewed everything that it means to be a man.
So are you a sissy or a manly lawyer? Here's the official Unwashed Advocate guide to help you decide:
Real men tie their own ties. (They do not need a mirror, wife, girlfriend, or other female support to do so.) "At a minimum, you should know how to tie all varieties of Windsor, four-in-hand, small knot (for woven ties, and no, not the ones that look like they’ve been crocheted, the real woven ones you find at Brooks Brothers), and a bow."
Real men wear starched shirts. Not a "light spritzing," but "the kind of starch that allows the shirt to stand upright on the ground. It should crunch when you don it for the first time. It lasts one day. Then, you have it laundered and restarched."
Real men do not wear pleats. Real men wear plain-front pants. "Pleats are designed for men with gelatinous lower abdomens."
Real men never button the bottom button on a jacket. Real men also don't wear jackets with more than three buttons. Anything with more buttons would looks "ostentatious" and thus "shameful" to real men.
Real men do not wear loafers. They wear shoes with "laces–small, black laces. . . They will not have tassels."
Moreover, real men use shoe polish. "You will buy shoes that are meant to be shined. . . You will not wear suede." And "you will accept that wearing patent leather on your feet is a sign of emasculation."
Real men do not have a shoe closet. "You will not have a lot of shoes, just a few that you’ve maintained, lovingly, through the years. My favorite shoes are ones I bought in 1992. They are brogue style. They are shined before every use, and the perforations are cleaned of excess polish with the tip of a knife."
Real men carry a handkerchief and pocketknife in their pants pocket. "The handkerchief is not for show. . . . It is for practical purposes only. The knife is a small one or two-blade knife—preferably 'Case' brand. Again, it is for practical purposes. Exceptions must be made to the knife rule when flying—because the TSA is scared of real men."
Gentleman, are you taking notes? If you want to look unquestionably masculine, lose the metrosexual attitude and burn those casual Friday get-ups. Real men look tailored and stiff—not relaxed. (James Bond never looked comfy in his Savile Row suits—and that only served to intensify his sexual appeal.)
What do you think—have male lawyers lost their sartorial way in recent years?
Hat tip: ABA
Photo: Sean Connery, From Russia With Love (1963)